Have you ever tried something so out of your comfort zone that it actually terrifies the life out of you ... where breathing becomes something you have to think about instead of an automatic function? ... Yeah me to!
For those who aren't aware I am currently a third year university student studying Forensic Science & Criminal Investigation, which is kinda cool! We sometimes get amazing opportunities to do things I never in a million years saw myself doing ... this is just one of them!
When the chance to go to a shooting range and be taught how to fire a gun arose i just couldn't say no! I mean how often can you say you got to shoot a rifle am i right?!
At first I was extremely excited by the whole idea, it wasn't until i took hold of the rifle that I genuinely forgot how to breathe and started to panic, my anxiety shot through the roof and no matter how hard I tried to hold the gun and focus on the target I just couldn't do it! It felt like I was drowning and no one was trying to save me! I was about 0.5 seconds away from letting my anxiety take over and just sit and watch, the anxiety was excruciating! It wasn't until the instructor made a suggestion to try it left handed (even though i'm right handed) that it began to ease slightly ...
I wasn't the best by a long shot in fact I was the worst, but I didn't let that stop me! All eyes were on me and I still managed to fight my anxiety head on which wasn't easy ...
Yeah okay maybe i did shoot the roof a couple times ... but who cares right?! I still did it! The hardest part was not actually handling the gun, and was in fact remembering to breathe and not hold my breathe the whole time! After every ten rounds I proudly walked to retrieve my target and was proud of the one or two single shots I'd actually manged to get on the target.
So shooting is never going to be my calling in life, but who really cares if i missed the target or shot the roof? ... the main thing is that even crippled by anxiety and struggling to breathe i still held my head up high and refused to give in and completed the course! I refused to let any sly dig or remark stop me from trying! It was kinda fun after a while ...
The one thing to take away from this experience is that you are stronger than your mind, and are strong enough to fight it! All of you who suffer from a mental illness will know how hard that can be, especially in front of a crowd of your peers ...
You don't always have to be the best at everything, that isn't what life is about ... it's about having a go and just being proud of yourself for being one foot forward from where you were the day before!
You all have it within you to stand proud ... You are much stronger than you think! You got this ...
Here are a few shots of the scary things courtesy of my pals, and a few familiar faces to ... (of course health & safety was obeyed at all times!)
Okay so I'm well aware that it's like February already and that this post is wayyyyy over due, also that I've vanished off the face of the earth for a long time now!! But there's no time like the present I guess right? ... seen as it's 2018 I decided to sit down and think of 18 things I'm either doing, want to do or will continue to do in 2018, so without further a do here they are!!
New York
I still can't believe this is happening ... but I've been lucky enough to be accepted onto a University Trip of a life time, to New Haven's Henry Lee Institute!! June is going to be an absolute blast gaining ballistics experience and exploring one of the busiest cities in the world! Passport at the ready, visa bought, travel pass waiting for me and shopping in progress ... excited isn't the word!! New York City with my best friend on one arm and my boyfriend on the other ... I can't wait!!
Keep Being Me
Overtime there will be so many people you meet who shape you and make you who you are, however there are individuals who can negatively change you! Only I know who I truly am and who I truly want to be, I plan to keep being true to myself and not change to suit anyone's requirements! The right people will love me for who I am ... and those are the people who truly count!
Save 50p and £5 notes ...
Let's face it It's England rainy days happen a lot!! There's nothing worse than sitting at home when the rain is pattering on the glass, you're in the mood for a Domino's, Netflix, Ice Cream and PJ's in bed kinda day but you ain't got no dollar!! That's why this year i'm planning to feed my little piggy bank with all my shiny 50p's and £5 notes, It's exciting not knowing what the total will be at the end of the year, here's to all the rainy days yet to come!
Live In The Now
I am 100% one of those people who spends the majority of their time worrying about what could happen in the future, and all of the mistakes I've made in the past! Trust me it's not a good way to live and it can actually break a person, it does on a daily basis! I want to try to work on living in the present and not waste time dwelling over things I can't control, fingers crossed this will work out!
Graduation
Three years at University has truly flown by and is very nearly over, graduation is just around the corner and nothing has scared me more! All the hard work leads up to this point, i'm hoping I can pass this degree and say I've done it! I want to make myself and my family proud ... I got this!
Plan For The Future
Life after University genuinely terrifies me and does keep me awake at night, everything I've known for three years is going to change and I'm not sure if i'm ready for that! One step in the right direction is my Masters course, hopefully I will finally get on the path I've always desired and become the writer I know I can be! Not having my friends beds to climb into when I'm feeling low or make me laugh when it's been a long day is gonna be so hard to adjust to and a lot of tears will be shed! But visiting them as they get on with their lives will always be a pleasure! The hardest sacrifice will be not seeing my boyfriend as often, It's gonna be heart breaking but shaping ourselves to fit the adult world is something we have to do! The possibility of him having to move far away from me in search of work while I finish my Masters is pretty much inevitable, but I will be so proud of him for it!! CSI isn't an easy work to find and you have to go where the job is, but joining him after my masters keeps me smiling! Skype, Phone calls, Texts, visits, long distance can and will work ... we will make it work and I'll be there for him every step of the way! He is the best CSI i know, and any force will be so lucky to have him!
Be Strong
I am by far one of the most emotional humans you will ever meet, the slightest little thing upsets me it's legit crazy! But I now have the right tools and strategies to give myself some tough loving and develop a stronger side, it ain't gonna be easy but hopefully I will reach my goal!
Work On YouTube
Youuuuuuuuuuutube!! Man i love my channel and I miss it so so much! my course at the moment is in it's final stages and is to full on to be able to film right now, I will forever be Life Through A Lens and trust me I will be back at it as soon as all of this is over! Summer will be my come back and I can't wait!! Stay tuned guys ... thank you for being so patient!
The Vamps Tour
Yaaaaaaassss!! so it's nearly that time of year again ... VAMPS TOUR! I can't wait to eat insane amounts of junk food, share beds way to small, eat domino's at 1am, dance with my friends and make more amazing memories! Tour is one of the happiest times of year for me, I love every single second and I can't thank The Vamps enough for the life they have shaped for me just by touring, I miss all my friends so so much! ... I can't wait!!
Publishing Masters
This one is something I never thought I'd have the guts to pursue!! Since I was young I've had a passion for writing I've just always had to put it on the back burner which isn't fair nor right, I'm planning to change that! Finally I will get the chance to be the writer I've always wanted to be, it's hella scary because it's all so new, but it's the one thing I can see myself doing for the rest of my life and being happy doing! Here's hoping I can make it ...
My Relationship
This may sound cringe or cliche but honestly I never thought I'd ever find someone I'd care about this much ever! I truly love this boy like I've never loved anyone before, that's so scary but also so amazing! He's the one person who makes me truly happy and makes me feel safe, I never want to lose him and want to be by his side no matter where his job takes him! Life after Uni is gonna be hella hard but fate will make everything fall into place! I'm not one that likes to plan the future as I truly believe in spontaneity, there's so much we both plan to do especially travel! As long as were by each others sides that's all I wish for ... the rest will fit into place all on it's own, fate has a beautiful way of making that happen!
Put Myself Out Of My Comfort Zone
I have this underlying rule that life was given to us to use to the full, not to sit on a couch where it's comfortable 24/7 and never feel your heart race! I've done so many things I never in a million years imagined me doing and I plan to continue that, there is no better feeling than achieving something you didn't think you could do! I want to continue to push myself to see exactly what I can overcome and surprise myself with things I love to do but just didn't know! There's so much out there to see and do ... I wanna give it my best shot!!
Live Life The Way I Want To
There is nothing worse than being told what you can and can't do, just because something is the easy route doesn't mean it's the one you HAVE to take!! If you want something enough go out and get it! I have my aspirations and I plan to go after them, my Masters is the first step in that direction! ... It's quite exciting shaping my own little life!
Stick To A Skincare Routine
Okay so this one is a bit of a weird one ... but I have this bad habit of getting into a skincare routine that seems to work but then become to lazy to copy it every day! For Christmas my boyfriend's parents were kind enough to give me some of the Liz Earle skin care products, and honestly i was blown away! They are the best things I have ever used on my skin and work like a charm, my skin isn't great and has better days than others but I want to work on that! It's time to look after my skin and hopefully fix it! P.S i highly recommend the Liz Earle range!!
Continue To Support The Vamps
The Vamps ... If you know me then you know we come together like peanut butter and jelly! Supporting them is something I love to do, I've grown up as they have and they've become a part of me! They've helped me and done so much for me, so much that Thank You isn't even enough! Even as I grow up I will continue to support them and that will never change, It's who I am and the people I love still love me despite that, in fact they love them to!
Accept Criticism
No one likes criticism whether it's constructive or not, It's easy to feel like people are out to get you even when they are simply just there to help you! I will hold my hands up and say I don't take criticism to well, I am aware of that! I want to learn to be more open to what others have to say and see if it has any weight to it before jumping to conclusions, sure sometimes people are just causing shit but other times they are being genuine! I plan to listen to people more to distinguish between the two and to help myself develop into a better person!
Travel!!
There is so much out there to see and explore and so many things to try, i believe life isn't meant to be lived in one place! I have a long list of places I want to visit, they are all so beautiful, I want to write about each and every one and vlog them! The experiences will be life changing and so perfect ... hopefully one day I can do it all!
Make Memories
Finally, I just want to make memories! they are the things that will live on for years to come and make you smile every time you think of them, good memories cannot be tainted! That is what life is about having fun and making memories that will stick with you forever!
